2 Lives

Like the sun and it's reflection on the ocean,
My life is being lived while my other life runs aside.
Like a foreign head in an alien body, my soul and my life
smack each other while trying to figure out which one is real.
The knowledge that sought me, found me and
harassed me until I totally understood it's purpose.

Now I feel like a ghost in the world of the living.
Knowing that I don't belong in this realm. Or this time
or age, yet I keep living as if by gravity.
Even my earthly body does not feel like the laws of this
world apply to me.
The only time where I feel the fittest is when my mind and
spirit reach the farthest point from this reality.
Giving me more reasons to believe that I was not created to
function in this plane of existance.

But once again I keep on living,
preparing for battle, training my heart and soul for the
coming of a world never understood, but always present.
Every day I learn something that deep inside
I always knew.
Like when you were taken to the beach when a child,
and many years later you return on your own;
rediscovering that path, with all those
details that you were only capable or remembering by
going back the same old way.

Every day I learn new fantastic things that feel so
old and familiar so often that confuses my memories with
my imagination. Every day that passes I find the fairy tales
to be far more truthful than the lies we people have for
lives in this material world.
Everyday I feel more inadequate to keep on living in this realm.
Sword in hand and looking for perfection, my soul takes
me into a journey to my true self.
Climbing down those mountains of fear, breaking through
the impossibles with my fists; and daring to fight evil with
care and love for others.
Yet my carnal body attaches me to the infernal ground
of flesh and bone.
To the most primitives of instincts.
To the most powerful of temptations.

But just recently I have found that my heart and body are
growing tired of it's own lust.
That my mind grows more and more thirsty for true emotion.
For eternal gratitude and infinite peace.
Is far much greater my desire to feel warmth and love,
and spend the rest of my life feeling safe and at peace.
Being loved and loving, surrounded by angelic arms with
cotton-soft hands rubbing my head with tenderness.
Letting me know that the light of the morning will be there forever.
My eternal peace in your arms.

Even though all that sounds like a distant dream, I believe
with more than my heart, that it will come true someday soon.
But before that, hell itself will rise upon me.
The devil will test my faith and my force, my strength and my
passion, my love and my soul.
But I am not afraid, I just know that I have to prepare.
Not knowing what to do, not knowing what to expect.
And even falling pleasently into his trap, I'll go on.
I know I'll be there, is just the "how" part that scares me.

No one is being born ready to go through hell, even less
to confront the devil himself. But I guess we can be
taught. I must admit it is terrifying.
But love and goodness have shown me the way of love,
the way of God.
And even though a spear and sword might look like a sign
of death in the hands of any man; they will
not look that way in mine. For I have bowed with my soul
in guarantee that I will use them to fight off evil and protect
those who are precious to me and God.
I will be God's sword, I will be his hand, and I will be his voice.
I could never say with which authority am I able to say this,
I myself don't believe at all to be the right person.
But once again, we are not what we want to be,
but what we choose to be.
And I choose to be for God, by God.

I live two lives.
My normal life, which is a lie. Like everybody else's life,
due to the fact that we live pursuing dreams of vanity and
deception.
And my life with God. This last one is full of misteries and fear.
But wherever there's fear, there must also be hope.
For wherever there's darkness must also be light.
And wherever there's evil... you can always call for God.

"I am not afraid, for God is part of me and I am part of him.
So when I fear and ache he'll be with me sharing the pain and the fear.
And when the time comes, he'll give me the power to strike back!"