My life is a limbo. A mixture of feelings, ideas, and probably passions.
My life is lived at 2 extremes: The material world, and the spiritual world.
This is probably, and maybe by far, the most unexpected piece of writing I have ever written,
and yet, probably the one that shows up the greatest aspects of my self being.
Even though my life, like most of ours, is conducted by the stimulus of our surroundings by our senses. Mine differs from others by ideas, or probably, interpretations.
We all have feelings, we are beings who cannot fully understand the greatness behind our creation.
Because behind our physical mechanisms called bodies, we also have complexity in our thoughts.
Or perhaps, our spirits.
From the day I was born I thought from the beginning I was just like any other human being.
Yet at the same time something told me since my youngest years that I was meant to do something out of this world's comprehension. As if something forced into a place where it doesn't belong, I grew living the life of a human, even when in reality I was living inside me a different life. A life that keeps writing itself, trying to piece it all together.
Maybe the simple fact that I'm writing this entry is a way to try to knot together this two dimensions I'm always living in. Like today, if I were an entity close to God trying to see the development of my creation, I could say my day was just amazing!
Today I felt anger, as a reaction from a disturbance. I was attracted by the opposite sex, as a response of both, my physical need and my emotional need. And I guess as well as my spiritual need to fill certain emptiness. That's it! I'm being able to see myself as God sees me.
How amazing my the view of God may be. In front of me I see in a physical way, an average body size, doesn't really look good, too much junk food I'd say. Although it is strange, as it has some kind of physical development above average. It is failing though, the brain is having problems with the blood pressure, you could say this car is messed up.
Some other kinda minor details, the body is basically ok, something almost functional, at least it works.
I wonder if that's one of the ways God looks at us?
Even though it might sound a little too cold, or materialistic; why not? aren't we his creations? wouldn't be interesting for me to see how something that I created evolves and develops?
To make it more interesting it also has some kinda software.
Something that affects it's physicality.
A small self taught program called spirit, and apparently runs on a hardware called brain, just so it can join both functions.
Today was quite interesting, I had many feelings running results from just one action.
My creature, in this case myself, has shot many thoughts and conclusions about life in a fight.
Even though his hardware is kinda messed up due to this worlds life (we can call it sun burnt, bleeding gums with the blood like taste all over his mouth, and that damn aching neck and back).
Even with all that, he's kinda ok. I guess I'm ok.
Today I fought with someone I wanted to fight for a long time, who knows why?
Cause maybe fighting for me is like playing soccer for my dad, I'm good at it, and I like to show it off.
As stupid as it might sound I know deep inside me that's one of the main reasons.
Why?
I guess it is because all my life I thought I was meant for that.
I never had anyone cheering me up or backing me up for this. But I think I was good, I am good.
Until days like today come.
So many ideas coming up and around my head. ( which byt the way, still hurts, actually it's more like a headache mixed with dizziness)
I remember at some point I was trembling, I can't deny it, I was. But this time like before,
I WAS HAPPY! I was excited!!! I have no idea, and no reason to explain this.
I knew I got my shots in, I played my style, I marked my rythm. But I never expected so much violence and power! An It hurt a little bit, but guess what?!! I liked it!! I don't know why, I just enjoyed those moments. My trembling was not from fear, but from vengeance. Not a bad vengeance, just my desire to hit back and show my power, to show that I can too display power!
Why though? Why someone who hates violence and pain and suffering, gets this excitement from?!
I wanna fight him again, Not like that, hurting each other badly. But hurting each other just enough to earn, to learn from each other, to bond, to share something that we both know!
Something that we both love. One having been put in that road his whole life, the other one trying to get to that road his whole life. So different yet, so similar. I wanna cross fists again!! and forever!!
Sometimes one can't understand from outside how can something that hurts one another can bring to persons together. To be frankly, from the outside coldly thought it DOES look ridiculous.
But one's gotta be in there, fighting, competing, flashing power and sharing power. Then and only then, you'll understand bonding. You'll understand friendship.
Deep in my heart the demons are tormenting me again. Ready for me to bring down my fists so they can chew on me. Specially cause of today, were I and my friend, a friend that I want to get, hurt each other so much, that's food for them. But I'll fight him again, for sure, but instead of hurting each other, we'll just make each other way far stronger. Much faster, much wiser, much better humans.
"I only ask from you God, to bring us much closer, to make us stronger not than the other one, but as one. And let us serve you, as you want from us. Thanks Amen"
